My Own Worst Enemy

For the past four years, I’ve been quietly suffering from migraine headaches. It wasn’t until two years ago, did I even realize that’s what was ailing me and it wasn’t until this past Monday did I acknowledge that I was suffering. You see in my world, suffering and pain belongs to those who have lost a loved one, are fighting a terminal illness, experience chronic pain or something of a more extreme nature. When my community group looked at Job’s life of suffering and his response to it, I felt unequipped to relate. I have found that it is my own arrogant pride that disables me from putting into proper context that hurt that is occurring in my life.

When TJ lost her father two summers ago, she was suffering. I had lost my father in law, but I wasn’t suffering. My father lost his mother two years ago, he was suffering. I lost my beloved grandmother, but I wasn’t suffering. My close friend is in constant pain from a horrific car accident five years ago, he’s suffering. I’ve had disabling migraines for the past four years, but I’m not suffering. Truth is, I fear pain of every kind. I will walk off and play through any injury sustained. I will not visit a doctor no matter my symptoms. I will not admit or acknowledge that anyone has hurt me emotionally and posture myself in nonchalance and apathy to protect myself.

This past Monday, I was awakened by yet another migraine attack and as I writhed in pain in our bedroom floor, I had a deep intimate moment with the Lord. For the very first time, I prayed and asked God to remove pain from me and acknowledged that I was indeed suffering. It was in that moment did I feel ever closer to the Lord than I have felt in a long time. God has not released me from the migraines. I still suffer them from at a daily rate but I cannot forget how close I felt to God and how I felt His undying love for me. For me, to experience that kind of intimacy with the one true God is worth all the pain that I can sustain.

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About Jason

Remote worker. Stats and analysis nerd. Soccer lover. View all posts by Jason

2 responses to “My Own Worst Enemy

  • Roshan

    Thank you for sharing your experience with Jesus. I found your denial of suffering in my own life as well. I was reminded of Paul’s letter where he complained of the thorn in 2 Corinthians 12. Even though Paul knew in his own life what true suffering was, he prayed that the Lord would take away this annoyance. And yet, Paul recounts that God spoke to him concerning this annoyance and let Paul know that God’s strength was perfected in his weakness. Thank you for giving an example of this in your life, so we can rejoice that the God that succored Paul is still here with each of us if we would only cry out and put our trust in Him.

  • Carita

    Thanks for your honesty, Jason! It is hard to surrender to pain and accept suffering in our lives, but as Dennis and I have learned, it is when we do that that we truly see all that God has for us. We just wish it could come without pain at times. We’re praying for your migraines to go away!

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