One of the great sadnesses in my life is the inconsistency of my heart toward God. (I am so thankful that grace does not depend on me!) I don’t know how to perfectly describe it, except to say, I guess, that my heart is moody. Seriously. Intellectually, I “know” all the right things, and truly believe that my only satisfaction is found in God and in walking with Him. Sometimes, though, my heart is hard toward Him for reasons I cannot fully explain. In those times, conversation with Him can be awkward, and sometimes I don’t have anything to say.
I have an idea of things that could be contributing factors, like trauma from my childhood that I’ve mentioned before. About that specifically, a friend recently challenged me to think if I might be holding onto some anger toward God. I don’t think I am, but I’m not sure. Certainly, though, I can see first-hand that Scripture is true when it tells us that, “The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9) I know definitively that I cannot understand my own heart and why it simply will not turn to God sometimes. I am desperate for Yeshua to be constantly wooing me and speaking tenderly to me (Hosea 2:14), so that I do not run after lesser loves.
If you are so moved, please pray that if there is something more to be revealed in this area, that God would speak and that I would listen. If it is nothing more than a flaw or unbelief in my heart, pray that I would be steadfast in seeking its removal and diligent to meditate on truth.