A New Journey – pt. 1

Huh.

That was my reaction.  Not, “huh?” as in the question, but “Huh.”  More like… “Interesting.”  I had bought the tests that were very clear: “pregnant” or “not pregnant”.  This one said “pregnant.”

Huh.

God… I wonder what you’re doing here.

I didn’t tell Mr. Poon right that second.  First, I made him lie on the bed with me so we could talk.  I had just had a conversation with someone else, about some options we had regarding our jobs and grief/bereavement.  I was catching him up on those options, and our choices.

Then I told him.

Telling him made it more real, and made me more excited.  It wasn’t that I wasn’t excited before.  It’s just that it was… complicated.

Just over a week after my mom passed away… less than a week after her funeral… I found out I was pregnant.

Complicated.

Jason was excited, too, and we took that time to rejoice together, and to marvel at God’s timing.  If there was a word for “joy born out of sorrow”, that is what I would name this child.  Out of one of the darkest times of my life, comes one of the brightest.

Also in the “complicated” was a bit of fear and nervousness.  I knew my child had, in some of its first few days of existence, been exposed to the most extreme stress I’ve probably ever been in.  I lived in the ICU for several days.  Though my spirit had peace, my body was in constant turmoil.  My stomach was in knots, parts of me living and dying by the visits that came every 2 hours, hoping for an upturn or a bit of good news about my mom.

Not the ideal way to begin life, I thought.  So I worried about how that might affect this little one.  Honestly, I wondered if he/she would make it.

Then I wondered if  I would make it.  Not “make it”, as in live, but if I could handle doing this without my mom.  I thought, “I don’t want to do this now… without her.”  And the realization that if I would’ve known just a little earlier, I could have told her!

One of those things I had to grieve almost instantly, and am still grieving, was never getting to make that announcement.  I probably would’ve invited her to Austin for lunch, so that I could tell her in person.  I desperately wanted to get to tell her.

My sister told me that she and my mom had talked about Jason and I having kids, and that my mom was excited for that to happen.  To hear that she felt that way was a relief, and a bit healing for me.  I won’t explain it all here, but my mom has a unique history with birth announcements – she wasn’t known to handle them particularly well.  But I had told her and my sister that Jason and I were thinking it might be soon, so to hear that she approved, even if from my sister, was comforting.

We toured a birthing center today and, as we left, I realized that I would have certainly been calling her during that time, to tell her what we thought about it and what we were thinking through as we continue to make our decision.  Or maybe she would’ve wanted to come along, to experience it with us.

I felt the heavy loss again, and the contradiction.  The contradiction of beginning a joyous new journey, but with one less companion.

And, of course, one more companion, too.

*This post was written on February 2nd and is the first of many posts that Jason and I began writing when we found out the news.  We’ll be posting the others in chronological order over the next few weeks.
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26 responses to “A New Journey – pt. 1

  • Natasha

    YAY! Your little one is gonna be awesome – complete with the calves of my brother and your sense of humor. Perfect kid! 🙂

  • Ricky

    Wow!! Congratulations! Praying for a healthy/safe pregnancy =) I’m sure you guys will be great parents.

  • amberlo

    TJ, thanks for sharing your exciting news! It is so like our Father to bring the blessing of great joy in the midst of great sorrow and at such an unexpected time. I look forward to reading the upcoming posts of how this journey has been unfolding for you and Jason. We will be praying for you both as you prepare to become parents and a family of 3….and all of the big and little decisions and research that goes with it! How have you been feeling physically so far with the pregnancy?

    • TJ Poon

      Hey Amber! I’ve been feeling GREAT for the most part. Really tired a lot, but I haven’t had morning sickness, which is a huge blessing. I thought I was in the clear, but I just heard of someone who didn’t have any until the 4th month. I really hope that’s not me! Yikes.
      It’s always unexpected in the sense that you can’t choose when it happens, but it wasn’t unplanned. We’d been ready to expand our family, but still always surprised by the Lord’s timing!
      Hope you’re having a fantastic time in NYC! We spent our first anniversary there and had an absolute blast! May the Lord bless your time there and make it fruitful!

  • Mei Ling

    Thanks for the wonderful post. Congratz on being pregnant! It was easy for me to get wrapped up into the things you wrote. I look forward to the future posts.

    • TJ Poon

      Thanks, Mei Ling! Yeah, we’ll be posting more over the next few weeks, as this has been quite the journey! It was great to see you in Florida, hope to see you again soon!

  • JT

    So glad to hear, guys. I look forward to hearing more about this part of your journey.

  • Wendy

    Wow TJ,
    thank you so much for sharing your good news and being vulnerable with how you’re really feeling about your baby and your mom’s passing. I can’t imagine how much confusion it can be emotionally. I’ll pray for you two and the little one coming.
    I can’t wait to meet the little one and celebrate with you and Jason. =)

  • edcottrell

    Congrats, guys! That is very exciting!

  • Ambreen

    Glad you’ve finally made your happy announcement. I like “joy born out of sorrow”…if only there were one word for it. Wishing you constant new joys throughout the pregnancy…

  • Jenny

    love reading your thoughts and hearts, TJ! Congrats. I’m so glad I will be in the States this year for awhile so we can talk more in person and celebrate this life together in person!! Love to you and baby and Jason!

    • TJ Poon

      Umm, “glad” you’ll be in the States?? How about freakin’ ecstatic?!? I can’t wait to hang out with you and get to talk about life in person!

      • Jenny

        Could we ever replicate that 12 hour talk marathon we had? SIGH I fear not…b/c now i have the two girls OUT of the womb running around ! 🙂 ha! either way, we are going to be chatting it up!

    • TJ Poon

      Sure we could! We’d just have to start at about 8, after the twins go to bed, and talk all night! Sounds fun, right?? 😛
      (That might interfere with my sleeping schedule, since I’m averaging about 10hrs a night… hehe.)

  • Terry

    Blessings, Blessings! Tamra came from Diane & Eric’s wedding with your announcement and swore me to secrecy! Now, I can proclaim your wonderful news! I am so happy for you. You and Jason will be terrific parents. God’s timing is perfect. He loves you: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” Jeremiah 31:3
    You have begun a wonderful new journey. Enjoy this special time.
    Blessings, Terry

    • TJ Poon

      Haha! I’m glad you’re a good secret keeper, and that you weren’t tempted for very long! It was great to see Tamra and the gang and to be there to share in Diane’s happiness.
      Thank you for the blessings and words of encouragement!

  • Stephanie N.

    TJ, this is SO beautiful. Congratulations to you and Jason! I can’t imagine the full spectrum of emotions you have been experiencing these past weeks. I am thrilled for y’all…but I can understand the mix of feelings you must have. It’s very inspiring reading how you are leaning into the joy and the pain of it all. May God bless this sweet one growing inside of you!

  • JImmy

    Wowzers! Congratulations to the both of you – that is some great news! May our Lord bless the little life in your womb and continue conforming you both into the image of our savior.

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