Today we saw the heartbeat.
In a child the size of a grain of rice, there was this magnificent moving in grainy black-and-white – a heartbeat.
During the exam, I found myself incredulous. The baby is in my uterus, where it’s supposed to be. It’s normal size. Its heart is beating. It’s an actual baby, and not an alien.
When you know the things that could go wrong, it’s difficult not to think of them. Not to mention the fact that it just seems so unlikely.
It’s wondrous, and overwhelming. Which is why I was so slow to believe that it could be real, and that it could be happening in me.
As I watched that heartbeat, I found myself smiling. I smiled out of joy and then I cried, without tears, as I thought of my mother. Thought of how much I wanted her to be, not necessarily in that appointment, but in the whole thing. I wanted to call her and tell her that there was a heartbeat! I thought about week 18, when I could tell her the gender and we could rejoice together.
It’s been a complicated day. So many emotions. That’s the theme of my life right now, though… complicated emotions.
It was neat to “debrief” with Jason. I think we were both so engrossed in getting through the appointment, we didn’t really process with one another until we got home. I asked him if he had an emotional response. Turns out, he was smiling when I was smiling, and he even teared up! (Yes, this may be normal for most people, but it’s pretty unusual for Mr. Poon.) When I told him why I cried, he told me that was true for him also – he was thinking of my mom. More specifically, he was thinking about me thinking about my mom. He knew that I would think of her, and he knew that it would be hard. It was a blessing for me to see his empathy and to realize that the Lord is knitting us closer together, as we experienced parallel emotions even while not communicating.
We went home with two pictures. I’ve never been into sonograms, especially when you can’t tell the difference between that and a picture of a jelly bean in a dark cave. But, for obvious reasons, I kinda like this one.
*This post is the second of many posts that Jason and I began writing when we found out the news. We’ll be posting the others in chronological order over the next few weeks. To catch up, click here.