Sometimes I worry about this pregnancy.
When you haven’t mourned with a friend who has lost a baby or cried out to God on behalf of friends who are battling infertility, it’s easier to go on picking out cribs, names and a color scheme the second you find out you’re pregnant. I imagine many people never even consider the possibility of something going wrong.
For me, though, it’s been a bit different. I battled the anxiety at first, then with the encouragement of a friend put it to rest. I thought I was doing ok until last weekend. I was in Orlando for the Synergy conference and, on the last night, had a very vivid dream that I had a miscarriage. It was so real and horrific that I can still remember many details, including that I was literally wailing in my dream as I mourned the loss of my child.
I woke up completely terrified, and considerably shaken. I left Mr. Poon in bed and went to the bathroom to cry.
Fast forward just a few days to baby appointment number 2. During this appointment, I was very nearly 13 weeks so we decided that if all was well, we would announce shortly after. As we’d been sick and Jason still had a fever, I told him to stay home so I went by myself to the birthing center to see the status of the little one.
When the moment of excitement came and it was finally time to listen to the heartbeat, I waited in nervous anticipation. It took the midwife a while to find it, and as she was searching I was becoming aware of what wasn’t in my heart and mind as I heard nothing but white noise:
I wasn’t surprised when it seemed she couldn’t find a heartbeat. In fact, part of me expected it. Maybe a big part of me, actually.
Jason doesn’t struggle with this at all. Which is weird. Why is it weird, you ask? Well, because I am pretty optimistic, and I almost never worry. Mr. Poon, on the other hand, is much more cynical and definitely a worrier. I told a friend just the other day that I never worry when we travel. I know he’s going to whether I do or not, so why bother?
We’re definitely great for each other. But I’m confused by the recent switch in personalities.
I asked him why he doesn’t worry about the baby. He said an amazing thing – that he could see God’s kindness to me.
God knew the timing of my parents’ death, and sovereignly placed comforts in my life during those times of grief. Jason and I got married about 2 months before my dad passed away. I can definitely say that having him by my side made the process the slightest bit more bearable. Also, around that time my beautiful niece was born. She is a delight to us all. Now I am pregnant, and we found out very near after the passing of my mom.
He listed these things and said that he thought this was God’s kindness and comfort to me. I started crying. I had never really thought about that before.
Over the last 2 1/2 years, His timing really hasn’t felt anything like “kindness” to me. I don’t think it’s the last English word I would use to describe it… but it’s pretty far down on the list.
When Mr. Poon said that to me, though, I could see it for really the first time.
To be continued…
(But, so that you’re not in suspense in case you didn’t figure it out – of course there was a heartbeat. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading these posts right now… Hehe.)