Non-Preggo Moment

Yeah, I don’t really know what to call this post.  Can you tell?

Anyway, I have been having a bit of a rough time since Eden was born last Wednesday.  Now before you go call the PPD (post-partum depression) cavalry, hear me out.

I expected labor to be difficult.  I was mentally prepared for that.  (I’m not sure I expected it to be quite as difficult as it was, but that’s a subject for an upcoming post.)  However, I was not at all prepared for the recovery to be so difficult.

I delivered an 8lb 11oz baby in a non-optimal position.  Without going into detail, I have a bit more to recover from than if she had been smaller and in better alignment.

I am in more pain than I expected and basically, I’m not supposed to do anything.  Even navigating the stairs in my house is something I should try to do as infrequently as possible.  Which means I lie around a lot.

A LOT.

Like, that’s all I do.

I was not prepared for this.  Giving birth naturally was amazing and empowering!  This is humbling to the point of humiliation.

Everyone has told me to enjoy this baby stage, as it doesn’t last long at all.  This is advice I’ve taken to heart, and I want to be able to enjoy Eden.  She has changed so much even in the few short days since we brought her home – it’s incredible!  But, since I can’t even hold her as much as I would like, I feel like the days are slipping away and I’m missing them.

I cry a lot.  Yes, I’m hormonal as hell, which doesn’t help, but when I pictured post-partum life, total incapacitation was not my vision.  It has been quite a lot to take in.

I am getting by because of the Lord’s goodness and His sweet provision of my husband.  Even though Eden eats vigorously and produces a lot of diapers, I’ve only changed 2.  And both were because I was too stubborn to tell Jason that it needed to be done.

He has changed every diaper.  He picks out her pink outfits and sweetly dresses her in them.  He burps and swaddles her after I feed her, so that I can lie back down.  He gets me every meal and brings them to bed, along with keeping track of all my vitamins and after-care rituals.  He’s done every dish and washed every piece of clothing and rag.

I eat.  I feed the baby.  I sleep.  I cry because I feel so useless.

Jason does everything else.

I am in awe of him, and so profoundly grateful that there aren’t even words.  I know this wasn’t his vision for starting our life with baby, either, but he has handled it with exceptional grace and compassion.  His attitude is inspiring, especially considering he’s having to learn to be a new daddy and a nurse/caretaker all at the same time.

If you know Jason, maybe think of sending him an encouraging text or note.  He’s doing fine (out getting my lunch as I type this), but I know this will start to wear on him eventually, and we’re not sure how much longer we have to go until I’m up and functioning.

Pray for us and Baby Eden, please!

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11 responses to “Non-Preggo Moment

  • Amber

    TJ, I’m so sorry your road to recovery has been such a challenge and so difficult (and painful) thus far! I am very thankful that the Lord has given you such a loving and compassionate husband in Jason. I know from experience what a blessing that is! I will definitely be praying for you both, for your recovery to progress quickly and even that you begin feeling a little better every day and can enjoy Eden and this season of being a new family of 3 more. I’ll be praying for Jason as well and that the Lord would sustain him with energy and joy as he continues in his role of serving you and Eden. Thanks for being honest in your post and sharing that even though you are loving your sweet little girl, this season hasn’t been all rainbows and sunshine. 😉 I’m glad to know how I can be praying!

  • Jan

    Even if you were up and functioning a little more, know that crying a lot is par for the course. I just prayed for you though. This too shall pass.

  • sharon

    oh tj…thanks for sharing. it must be so hard to be at the intersection of all these emotions & physical ability. i remember how hard & surprising it was to feel so physically out of it for the month afterwards 😦 we will be praying for your family!

  • JennyH

    Hey TJ,
    My heart definitely goes out to you! I’m sorry you are in so much pain. I had an epidural and a fairly smooth delivery and I was still quite “useless” after giving birth to Lucas – laying upstairs like a big humpback whale…so I can’t imagine WHAT type of pain you are in after all that you went through. I was so thankful for Mike’s help too and am so grateful the Lord has given you such a kind caring servant for a hubby. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now but this too shall pass…let the tears flow…your body needs a LOT of time to readjust/heal after labor…I always “forgot” that part way too much. I’m praying for you and love hearing your heart through your beautiful writing. Way to esteem and honor your husband even in your struggles – so beautiful to me!
    Love,
    jenny

  • Ruth

    TJ–thanks for posting. The first few weeks are tough ones. Don’t worry about missing out; there will be many days to cuddle your little one. There is something about those first few days that turns husbands into fathers and couples into families. Keep holding on to Jesus. We will pray for you all.

  • Debbie

    Thank you for sharing about your not-so-optimal post partum period. Praise God for such a great husband you’ve got and a wonderful daddy that Eden has. Don’t worry, you’ll get your turn at changing diapers, burping, laundry, etc. eventually and then you’ll definitely appreciate all that much more what Jason is doing now. 😉 Will be praying for you guys and your recovery!!

  • hg9

    TJ, I can totally relate. After a c section and second abdominal surgery (very long story), I could barely walk after getting out of the hospital 5 days later. I had Post traumatic medical trauma plus post partum depression all wrapped up in one. I pray for peace for you. It will get better, just take it one day at a time.

  • TJ Poon

    Thanks, everyone!
    It’s encouraging to know that, even if my delivery had been more “normal”, this is just part of the process. I’m really not in a lot of pain… but each time I feel a twinge of pain, it stresses me just a little because I’m wondering if it’s normal or if something’s wrong 🙂 (Can you tell I’m a first-timer??)

    Today is much better. Thanks for your prayers and encouragement!

  • rfc

    way to set the bar so high for every other man Jason. you’ve just set off the “hey everyone, look how huge my engagement ring is” effect. every woman reading this post is struggling with a bouquet of competing emotions (happiness for tj vs dissatisfaction with their own men). congrats you guys. she looks great. tj, try world of warcraft. i hear it’s a time machine for sexless shut-ins.

    • Jason

      The plan was to set the bar so high, that any silly thing that I do (i.e. leave the toilet seat up, feed children cereal out of a trough, forget to put on pants) is excusable with the simple “Remember that time when I was awesome?” I figure having the endorsement of other female readers will come in handy some time in the future… which probably just went out the window since I just announced that.

    • TJ Poon

      Unfortunately, “sexless shut-in” definitely describes this phase of my life. But I’m far more likely to turn to Law & Order reruns to pass the time. I’ll think about WoW if I get desperate. Really desperate.

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