Yeah, I don’t really know what to call this post. Can you tell?
Anyway, I have been having a bit of a rough time since Eden was born last Wednesday. Now before you go call the PPD (post-partum depression) cavalry, hear me out.
I expected labor to be difficult. I was mentally prepared for that. (I’m not sure I expected it to be quite as difficult as it was, but that’s a subject for an upcoming post.) However, I was not at all prepared for the recovery to be so difficult.
I delivered an 8lb 11oz baby in a non-optimal position. Without going into detail, I have a bit more to recover from than if she had been smaller and in better alignment.
I am in more pain than I expected and basically, I’m not supposed to do anything. Even navigating the stairs in my house is something I should try to do as infrequently as possible. Which means I lie around a lot.
Like, that’s all I do.
I was not prepared for this. Giving birth naturally was amazing and empowering! This is humbling to the point of humiliation.
Everyone has told me to enjoy this baby stage, as it doesn’t last long at all. This is advice I’ve taken to heart, and I want to be able to enjoy Eden. She has changed so much even in the few short days since we brought her home – it’s incredible! But, since I can’t even hold her as much as I would like, I feel like the days are slipping away and I’m missing them.
I cry a lot. Yes, I’m hormonal as hell, which doesn’t help, but when I pictured post-partum life, total incapacitation was not my vision. It has been quite a lot to take in.
I am getting by because of the Lord’s goodness and His sweet provision of my husband. Even though Eden eats vigorously and produces a lot of diapers, I’ve only changed 2. And both were because I was too stubborn to tell Jason that it needed to be done.
He has changed every diaper. He picks out her pink outfits and sweetly dresses her in them. He burps and swaddles her after I feed her, so that I can lie back down. He gets me every meal and brings them to bed, along with keeping track of all my vitamins and after-care rituals. He’s done every dish and washed every piece of clothing and rag.
I eat. I feed the baby. I sleep. I cry because I feel so useless.
Jason does everything else.
I am in awe of him, and so profoundly grateful that there aren’t even words. I know this wasn’t his vision for starting our life with baby, either, but he has handled it with exceptional grace and compassion. His attitude is inspiring, especially considering he’s having to learn to be a new daddy and a nurse/caretaker all at the same time.
If you know Jason, maybe think of sending him an encouraging text or note. He’s doing fine (out getting my lunch as I type this), but I know this will start to wear on him eventually, and we’re not sure how much longer we have to go until I’m up and functioning.
Pray for us and Baby Eden, please!